Hillbilly Sasquatch

The Hillbilly Sasquatch is a subspecies of the Sasquatch genus. Similar to the more well known Common Sasquatch, the Hillbilly Sasquatch stands at approximately seven feet tall, is covered in thick, course, and matted hair, and is generally reclusive in nature. However, the Hillbilly Sasquatch occupies the hills of Kentucky instead of the Forests of Northern Oregon like its more common brethren. Additionally, the HillBilly Sasquatch has severable notable distinguishing characteristics, including, but not limited to, a red make America great again hat, missing teeth from methamphetamine abuse, patches of hair missing from attempts to, “get the bugs out” from aforementioned meth abuse, bloodshot eyes from its chronic moonshine intoxication, and a strong stench of alcohol which can be toxic to humans if the subject unknowingly gets too close to the creature.


The Hillbilly Sasquatch is strongly communal by nature. Unlike its incredibly solitary Northwestern relative, the Hillbilly Sasquatch lives in tightly knit familial communities. This adaptation is necessary to support the animal’s dependance on various substances, as a single animal would not be able to produce the amount of amphetamines and alcohol needed to sustain itself. 

Hillbilly Sasquatches are notorious for their consumption of broadcast television, specifically Fox News. The animals are even known to steal television sets if deprived of the medium for too long, resulting in many towns located near the animal’s habitat to leave out old TV sets for the Sasquatch’s usage. Because of their ability to view and have what appears to be a cursory understanding of television, the HillBilly Sasquatch appears to be the most intellectually advanced of all the Sasquatch varieties, despite their constant state of intoxication. It should be noted that the creature is agitated incredibly easily, and should be avoided at evening hours; the combination of Sean Hannity covering the White House and their peak blood alcohol concentration being reached at the same time make for an incredibly dangerous animal.