Years ago, in the early 1920’s, an incident occurred that had changed the town of Kirkland forever. Kirkland is located in Costco,California. A teenage boy named John Dingleberry was very curious about the stories that were told about the woods in Kirkland town. His curiosity drove him all the way from Sunny, California down South to Costco, California. He had an aunt, Wrinkly Dinkly, whom he was planning on visiting in Costco. He arrived in town on his horse carriage on July 3rd of 1922. It was a cold and rainy night. The next morning he asked his aunt, over breakfast, about the woods in Kirkland. She was startled. She warned him not to stick his nose in that sort of stuff especially because he wasn’t from around town. Aunt Wrinkly made him promise not to go in to the woods, especially at night. “There is a beast in the woods,” she says wearily. “Thats how I lost your uncle,” she says and breaks down in tears. According to Aunt Wrinkly 0% of people who went in to the woods has returned.
John Dingleberry, after hearing all the stories, was still curiously determined to go in to the woods and find this so called beast. However, his motive has changed because now he is seeking to avenge his uncles death. He went downtown to the station to talk to the local sheriff about the information they have on the beast. They appointed him to Dr. Dre. According to Dr. Dre he had been formulating some type of serum to defeat the beast for quite sometime. He gathered the saliva off the limbs the sheriffs found in the woods last week. He told John Dingleberry that he was almost finished with the serum but the difficult thing is, the only way to actually defeat the beast would be through injecting the beast directly in its buttocks which would require John being extremely close to the beast. Dingleberry was terrified. The Dr. was pretty confident in his serum, he claims that there’s a 65% chance that it would work, and if worse comes to worse, “try to shoot it,” he says enthusiastically.
Dingleberry has an encounter with the beast the next evening. He’s running for his life and fortunately makes it so high up a tree the beast can’t reach him. Dingleberry stays in the tree for days, and eventually the beast falls asleep. Dingleberry slowly crawls out of the tree trying not to wake the beast. He slowly makes his way around the rear end of the beast to strike him in the buttocks with the serum. He strikes the beast and the beast cries out in agony and begins to shrivel up. The serum worked and Dingleberry returned back to town a hero. He appeared all over the Costco Times newspaper for months.
Dre, B. (1922). Boy Saves Kirkland. Costco Times, p. 7-11