Archeological exploration reveals the location of the Fountain of Youth

Famous explorer, P. Diddy, discovered the Fountain of Youth in a remote cave located off the coast of the Greek Island, Fullofcrap. For years, Professor Hawker has studied Italian explorer Ponce De'Leon's 17th century expeditions in search of the Fountain of Youth. She has studied the particular writings of Dr. Ross Old-Fuddy-Duddy from Harvard's archelogical department. According to Dr. Fuddy-Duddy, De'Leon had explored regions of what is now Florida and the Caribbean Islands to no avail. Starving for food and ill, De'Leon and his men eventually gave up and returned to Italy (Fuddy-Duddy, 2005). Now, centuries later, Professor Hawker (known for her great intellect, talent, and prowess---along with her charming personality and popularity), decided to take up the search for the elusive Fountain of Youth. Hawker also knew that if found, she could market this priceless product and become even more famous--not to mention filthy rich.Through determination and research, she discovered that De'Leon miscalculated the whereabouts of the islands. He should have concentrated on the Greek Islands rather than the Caribbean.

A cave, a river, and a fountain

Hawker's assembled team consisted of her Comm. 40 "super students." These students are a select group of the best and brightest of San Jose State. Hawker generously funded the expedition using her paltry salary and her family's boat. Crossing the perilous Atlantic ocean in the tiny 8 foot boat, the group landed on Fullofcrap and began their search. They were lucky. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, naval accounts and statistics say that only half of one percent of all sailors who attempt to cross the Atlantic Ocean in a 8 foot boat drown before reaching their destination. Regardless of such statistics, Hawker and her motely crew pressed on.Upon reaching Fullofcrap Island, Hawker's group explored the parameters of the island. They found a deep hole and decided to descend down into the dark cavern. Inside, they found a beautiful river and a fountain of sparkling, luminous, gold liquid.

Instantaneous result brings wealth and fame

Professor Hawker, in a daring and courageous move, took a cup out of her backpack and drank the liquid. Her crew marveled at her daring. Then to their astonishment, they watched the professor grow stronger; her muscles firming, her youth and strength returning to her younger self. Her eager students followed her example with the same result. Now, they too, will stay forever young. In fact, according to scholar Dr. Gertrude Oldlady, in the scholarly journal Health and Wellness, Hawker's discovery "will wipe out the suffering and ailments associated with old age" (p. 5). Upon returning to the U.S., Hawker's crew patented and sold their product under the label "Old Age Sucks" and have consequently become far more wealthy and influential than Bill Bates. Hollywood stars praise Professor Hawker and her crew for saving their youth and thus their careers in movies. In fact, Hollywood hunk, Brad Bitt wrote Dr. Hawker a letter of thanks and attributed his continuing good looks to Professor Hawker's historical discovery. 


Fuddy-Duddy, R. (2005). Explorations and historical accounts. Belmont, CA: Wadsworth.

Oldlady, G. (2012). We can be forever young. Health and Wellness, 82, p. 3-8.

U.S. Census Beureau. (2006). Statistical abstract of the Naval Academy.

     Washington, DC:  Government Printing Office.

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