Being in the Wrong Place at the Wrong Time
Local San Jose State student Peter Rogers grew a third arm while walking home from class last Wednesday. He was hit by an experimental laser beam being designed by the San Jose State science research team. Rogers, an aspiring writer, had just finished his creative writing class last Wednesday and decided to take a shortcut home by cutting through the halls of the science building, little did Rogers know that he was walking through the science departments experimental design wing of the building. Rogers unknowingly walked right into the cross-hairs of a newly developed molecular cell dividing laser beam and was struck in the arm by high powered photon rays. The photon rays penetrated Roger's arm causing the cells to split and divide, which eventually led to the growth of a third arm coming out of his back. Dr. Newton the lead scientist behind the development of the molecular cell dividing laser immediately analyzed Rogers and discovered nothing, besides the growth of a 3rd appendage.
Developing a Molecular Cell Division Beam
A molecular cell division laser is a device that scientists across the globe have been working on for years. The device works by firing high powered photon beams, that are invisible to the naked human eye, at a subject which then penetrates the tissues of the subject at an atomic level. Upon impact, the beam stimulates cell growth by infusing energy into nearby cells, which allows for cells to heal wounds and even regrow missing tissues. Dr. Newton and a group of the brightest graduate students of San Jose State originally designed the molecular cell dividing laser in the hopes of curing diseases like Alzheimers and cancer. The machine was also designed to repair damaged limbs and organs by regenerating or generating damaged or destroyed cells.
The team of scientists have been working on the project for years, and just recently began testing it on animals. They've regrown tails on mice and have healed animals with missing limbs. The animal testing has had a 99% success rate when it came to healing various ailments. The single anomaly in the scientists tests came when they attempted heal the broken jaw of a dog named Clifford. The dog's jaw was healed, however, there were side effects. The dog turned the color red and grew to the size of a house. Thankfully neither side effect proved to be life threatening. Rogers had inadvertently become the first human subject to have been exposed to the laser beam and thankfully is not experiencing any negative side effects besides the extra arm.
Rogers has embraced his extra arm and has been quoted in this week's edition of Fiction Weekly saying "This is great! With a third arm I can write and edit narratives at three times the speed!" (pg. 3) Rogers has allowed for the research team headed by Dr. Newton to monitor him constantly and collect data. Dr. Newton believes that with Rogers' help and the data that has been collected the molecular cell division laser could improve the lives of millions.
A New Record is Born
Rogers looks back at last Wednesday's event and cannot help but smile. The extra arm has improved his ability to complete work so much so that he is on track for finishing his remaining undergraduate studies in under a month. This means he will be getting his bachelors degree after just one year, the fastest anyone has ever completed a degree. The extra arm has also made Rogers an icon around San Jose as scientists from around the world are flying in to see him.
Rogers best friend, Mary Jane, has even confided with Love Your Weird Friend Monthly that Rogers is even more attractive with his extra arm (p. 59). Even the Clifford has received more love since his transformation. Data is being collected, but it looks as though this beam increases attractiveness as well.
To the Future
Renowned physicist and biologist as well as last year's Nobel prize winner in Science Dr. Dexter claims that Rogers' growth of a third arm represents the evolution and growth of the humans species and believes humans who have been scientifically enhanced will be a common occurrence in the near future (Dexter's Laboratory, 2014) . It is expected that within the next few weeks this machine will be readily available throughout hospitals worldwide, and thanks to Rogers' gracious donations from his recent wealth it will be completely free to all!
Crazy, K. Love your Extra Appendages, Fiction Weekly, 392874, p. 3-10.
Dexter, M. (1898) Dexter's laboratory. Liar, Louisiana: Losers.
Dude, F. Third arm: Sexy?, Love Your Weird Friend Monthly, 5, p. 59-65.